Dreaming my life away… still

I have not been posting lately, it’s not because I have not had any dreams lately. In fact, I did have dreams, a lot of them actually. I’d probably list them later in this post.

I think I am on the road to self destruction… or maybe on my way to wasting my life away. I go to school everyday, quite early in fact, but I have not done anything productive. I try to, I have every intention to in fact, but I never get around to being productive.

1 month has past since this semester started and well, our thesis does not have the progess that we were hoping. We are about 2, if not 3 weeks delayed in fact. I want to get started, I really do. I’m not really sure what’s stopping me from doing our thesis or anything at all.

I am not that into my vices lately, in fact, the DVDs of the koreanovelas I borrowed from Liyan are still on top of the DVD player as opposed to being in it.

I’m not sure what I have been doing instead. Instead of everything that I’m supposed to do.

I think I’m simply wasting my life away by doing nothing.

One thing that I have been doing a lot is sleeping.  And dreaming. I dream a lot.

Unfortunately, sometimes it becomes hard for me to know what is real and what is dreamt. Sometimes, I am afraid that I am living in my dreams that I lost touch with reality. It’s like an out of body or out of my head experience, not knowing, what is real. It’s scary. And it scares me a lot. I feel as if, what if, I get stuck there. If I just sleep. And sleep my life away. What will become of me then?  Okay, maybe this all sound a bit too dramatic, and as an aspiring writer and emo person, I tend to talk this way and over dramatize. But seriously, beneath all that, I really am scared that I would simply drift.

Yes, I am drifting through my lfie like some seed in the wind, just there floating in the air. I will go whereever the wind takes me. Without my own will to say where I want to stop or whether I want to continue at all. Buthopefully like some seed, I want to eventually land somewhere, somewhere nice, somewhere meaningful, somewhere I can do something with myself. I want to do something with myself. I think I have the ability to do so.

But I am also afraid of failure. I failed my first subject last term. And I am afraid that if I failed once, it means that I can always fail again and again. And I will land deeper and deeper in my failure that I can’t pull myself out anymore.

Please, wind, bring me to somewhere, not just anywhere. Bring me to the road that will lead me to, well, my graduation on time. And then lead me to… I’m not sure where I’ll be after graduation. 

I don’t really want to think about it yet. Because as of now, our thesis, well. Because as of now, I am not really sure that I can graduate on time yet. I am afraid of the disappointment that comes with my not graduating on time. I am afraid that I might fail the subject that I failed last term again. And I’d lost sight of my abilities. I’d forget that I am someone that is worth something.

I think that I am loosing sight of my own worth. I think I am loosing sight of my dreams, my goals. I’m not really sure what I’m going to be in 10 years, 20 years, heck not even in a year. I have plans. So many plans. Whether they’ll pull through I have no idea. Whether I am working toward the fulfillment of my plans, I am not so sure either.

Sigh.

Blog post ends here.

Will post about my dreams some other time. 

…

I realized today that I, rather we, are part of something bigger than ourselves.

Something that we don't necessarily have control over.

But it doesn't mean that we don't have to make choices that will eventually lead us to the part of the world we want to be a part of.  

I don't know, but I guess, life is really a strange thing. We could never know what will happen to us the next day.